I was alone. I was unfocused. Then the simple voice of my meditation teacher told me to focus on your breath. But I was somehow unable to do it. My mind was still wandering about my past, and on that one person, who changed me and made me choose a different path. I was just a normal 9 to 5 person without any vice towards anyone (I still don’t have.) But there was something I liked in that person that drew me towards him. Silently I gave in to his demands and then one day he left me without much consideration.
I was left heartbroken. I felt stuck and I was brutally forced to rewind my life back to the time from when we get to know each other. But I was old now. So I instead chose to start fresh. When I was restructuring myself, people gave me advices. They told me about things that could help me live my life normally. They didn't understand though. I was living normally by dwelling in the past. Because that was what I liked. Don’t normal people do what they like? But they insisted. And I gave it a try.
I gave a chance to meditation and yoga.
Joining a Yoga Teacher Training program was really confusing. Maybe a confusion I needed that moment. I chose India to escape the people around me. I chose Hari Om Yoga Vidya School for 28 days of escape. And after I enrolled in their program, I realized I wasn’t a 9 to 5 person anymore.
That brought me to the meditation class in which I was trying hard to focus on my breath. It felt a useless exercise. What possibly could one hope to achieve listening to the sound of his own breath? I needed to focus on my past. It gave me happiness. And happiness (or sadness) is what I craved for.
Days passed by at the training center and people in the class tried to make me understand why it is important to focus on breath and not on life. They would say it will help you to live in the present and help you feel alive. Life will go on anyway, whether or not your focus on it. I was always an adventurous person, excitement would made me feel alive. But here I was sitting in a dark room, alone with closed eyes, thinking about my breath. Yet it felt exciting. A clam excitement. Nothing fussy. I began enjoying it probably because I was forgetting about what I had been through. When I left that place, I wanted to stay more. I didn’t want to go back to my previous life. But I had to.
It’s been one year since I left the school. No, I hadn’t been in a relationship since then. If it’s one thing I learnt by practicing meditation, it’s the joy of being present in the moment. I don’t expect anyone to come into life and make me happy. I have learnt to be happy by sitting every morning and focusing on my breath. I know life will go on and I won’t have to punish my present in expectation of my future. Just leave it. And enjoy days as they happen.